The Ungaslighting Power of Looking

For long-time listeners of this show.  Who can remember all the way back to our first episode, all of two weeks ago now?  We talked about how there is no single objective reality. Just our own individual interpretations of reality.  And we also learned that our brains are great gas lighters. They lie to us all the time, telling us things that sound true. After all it's our own brains talking, What possible reason could they have for lying to us?  well,  It's important to remember that our brains don't necessarily have all the facts.  and can of course be influenced by our own worries and insecurities. And can jump to conclusions that might not be true. 

To keep this in mind, It helps to remind yourself of our sensory limitations, which often leave gaps that our brains have to fill in.  For example, we can only hear a certain range of all the frequencies of sound that are out there.   We can only see a tiny sliver. Of all the wavelengths of light.  One particular way that our brains don't get complete information is really cool. And was sent to me by friend and listener, Ken Connor.  It's called psychotic masking. Not psychotic, but psychotic.  Now God is a rapid eye movement. And because of the movement, there's a blurring of the image that gets to the retina.  And since the blurred image, isn't very useful and can be disorienting. The brain actually anticipates the eye movement, and ignores the blurred image and then picks up again.

Once the image is clear. And the brain does this in such a way that you never noticed the gap.  Now as cool as that. There's an even cooler way to prove it and experience it.  If you look in a mirror and stare at one eye, and then shift your gaze to the other eye, You can't see your eyes moving.  You may be able to feel your eyes moving. And this is really cool: Someone standing next to you can see your eyes moving. But you can't see your eyes moving. Now how cool is that? 

 What that tells us is we have incomplete information. But we go through our everyday lives. Pretty damn sure that we're making well-informed decisions. And most of the time it works out fine.  Those blurry images are pretty quick and don't necessarily include any life-or-death information.  But sometimes. It can be a problem. That.  As my mother used to say, when I wouldn't eat something, she assured me was delicious.

No matter how disgusting it looked or tasted. You don't know what you're missing.  And it's in these moments. When we don't know what we're missing. That we can fall victim to gas lighters. We can end up assuming the worst about each other. And we can even beat up on ourselves.  So this week, we're going to focus on what we're missing.  And once you start filling in those gaps consciously and thoughtfully and intentionally.  You'll be amazed at how different the world can look.

I'm Craig Boreth, and this is The Great Ungaslighting. A podcast about the many ways we've all been conned about ourselves and each other. And how together. We can fight back. And put the kind back in humankind.

To get started this week. I want to share a funny story that I experienced a bunch of years ago when I was living in Somerville, Massachusetts. Which is right next to Cambridge, which is right next to Boston.  And I loved living there.

I had a great group of friends. We went out to see live music, lots of good restaurants and bars, just a great place to live. And it was when I was living there that I met my  fabulous wife of almost 25 years. Shortly after we got married, she finished grad school and started looking for a job.

She came home from a conference and says, you know, UCLA looks pretty great. And they're hiring this year and I was like, no, I'd only been to LA a couple of times. I really knew nothing about it. But I knew just enough to hate it with that sort of smug superiority that only a New Englander can muster. So one thing leads to another and she gets a job offer from UCLA. And I'm thinking.

Okay.  If this is going to become my reality, I better find a way to come to terms with it.  So I had a bunch of friends who had grown up in LA or lived there who just loved it. So I asked him, I was like, What exactly do you love about LA? I don't get it.  and they all started with, well, the weather is great.  And I was like, don't tell me that my entire extended family has moved to Florida and they tell me that the weather is great and I'm not a big fan of the weather in Florida. It's either hot as hell or there are hurricane-projected Palm trees flying through buildings and such.

They mentioned a few other selling points of LA, but I was thoroughly unconvinced. So I decided to do a little thought experiment. It's not quite. Einstein riding on a beam of light, but it's something.  I decided to pretend that I had just arrived in Somerville. I didn't know anybody or anything about the place. And I would just walk around and check it out.  And this is March, which is late winter, still. There's this cold pissing rain falling.  There's brown slush in the streets. The houses look tired and dark.  The subway station is musty and graffitied and stuffy.  And I thought to myself, This place is a shithole.  But I love it. And I really don't want to leave.  And I got to thinking, how could this same place be both beautiful and miserable at the same time?   I didn't know the term back then, but it's almost kind of like experiencing your own metaverse.

 Now we all have within that metaverse of sorts.  What we'd call our default universe. It's the one we experienced almost all the time. And we're kind of the center of attention. And the world revolves around us.  But the truth of that default universe. Is that it includes only a tiny fraction. Of the potential universes we could be observing and considering.  Like, what do you actually notice? As you're walking from point A to point B.  Well, if you're looking at your phone, you're probably noticing precisely nothing. Except what's on your phone.  But even if you leave your phone at home, Which I know is a crazy idea.  You're still, probably missing a lot.

Now missing a lot is useful just to get through your day after all, you couldn't possibly pay attention to everything all the time.  But taking some time every once in a while. To really focus on your surroundings to actually see what you see. Or even better to walk around with someone who sees things differently than you.  It's a great way to remind yourself that most of the time. You don't know what you're missing.  And when you understand that  You tend to wear your reality a little more lightly in a way. you hold your beliefs with a little more humility. And you interact with others with a little more humanity.  And this brings us to our guests this week who's going to help us nurture this habit of really looking.  Alexandra Horowitz is a professor of psychology, English and animal behavior at Barnard College, where she heads the fabulously named Dog Cognition Lab.  Her books include The Year of the Puppy, Our Dogs, Ourselves, and Inside of a Dog. But I really want to talk to her. About her wonderful book called On Looking: A Walker's Guide to the Art of Observation.

CB: Hi, Alexandra. Thank you so much for joining me on the great on gaslighting.

AH: My pleasure.

CB: So, first of all, I have to ask you about the dog cognition lab, which sounds like. Just about the greatest research Institute ever invented. Can you tell me a little bit about it?

AH: Sure.  I did kind of invent it actually as a, I didn't know anyone who had a dog lab at the time, but I was a young researcher and studying dog behavior and cognition, and I had students who wanted to work with me. And so we kind of created a team and design studies to look at what dogs might, know or perceive.  And we've done all types of studies.  But they're all about my general interest, which is sort of what it's like to be a dog.  What they perceive and how they think, how they think about themselves, for instance, how they think about us, how they think about other dogs.  Those are my big questions and a lot of the studies relate to that.

CB: And one of your dogs actually inspired the book on looking, is that correct?

AH: Yeah, on looking comes from my, the fact that  in studying dogs and then living with dogs, I realized a how little I knew about them. And also once I started  knowing more about how they saw the world.

Finding that I, my way of seeing the world was transformed by imagining their way of seeing the world. So I thought, oh, for on looking how easy in fact to walk with other people who can tell me in speech, unlike dogs, how they see the world and ask them in addition to trying to infer from a dog's behavior how they see the world.

So yeah, I guess a dog did inspire that project.

CB: I have to tell you. My favorite chapter. And one, I wish I had read before I had a toddler. Was your opening chapter in which you walk around the block with your young son. And I actually have a little post-it note in my copy of the book in the middle of that chapter that says every new parent should read this. And so if you could just talk a little bit about that it's.  For every frustrated young parent who wants to get from point a to point B. With their toddler who instead.  Refuses to allow them to do so.

So how can they appreciate that experience a little bit more by seeing the world through the mind and the eyes of their toddler?

AH: Yeah. I think so many frustrations of  especially being a relatively new parent, come from the fact that the child doesn't come built in understanding what you do and therefore sort of what things are, what they're for, how the day runs, you know, how, what to expect, how to behave, and all those things have to be sort of built up.

And initially it can feel like a struggle because you're dealing with another human who really is clueless and later it becomes kind of the pleasure of seeing that they're building their world. And also a reminder that some of what we built into our way of seeing it, it kind of pays to unbuild, right?

Like  I, I think that very much. I had started walking around New York City with like a jaded eye, you know, not looking at things, not being open and curious and interested at, at like a bag wafting in the breeze or or even all the people coming by me all the time, right? Like, you just don't look, but children look and it's kind of fascinating when you see that they do. And you remember that we had to learn not to look.

CB: You have this wonderful line in that chapter that I wanted to read and then ask you about. You wrote, "Every hour. Children are losing more and more ability to think without language. And without the cultural knowledge that language passes along. Every hour. Children are less able to not notice words.   And to me, this lack of language is what is enviable."  Can you talk a little bit about what you mean by that?

AH: I'm glad you highlighted that.  Language, you know, allows for so much expression, obviously, but also it can be a hindrance I think to openness,  to use concepts that language reifies as as a kind of stand in for.

Seeing the world that's right in front of us. So in other words, if I go outside my apartment building right now, I can tell you with my language, fancy language, all the things I see, and then that kind of ends the investigation.  To a child or maybe any, anyone who's nonverbal, any animal.

You know, they, they will start to have some conceptual understandings of what's out there. But  there's much more of an open exploration partly trying to categorize things and be able to use a language to talk about them, but also an openness, which allows them to see things that we stop seeing.

If I see whatever it is, the truck on my street, I.  I immediately see it and then end the perception essentially, right?  It's just a passing thing. But you know, any artist will tell you, like seeing a truck drive towards you and the, just like the play of light and shadows and the things that are happening  mechanically in that Hulk of a beast.

And the sound like hearing.  Like taking on the sound as it's coming towards you. I mean, all those things. Incredible sensory experience, but  we just are like, truck tick, I see what that is we move on. So  that's how I think language can kind of stultify an openness which, and that openness can be really rewarding and satisfying.

CB: And I think it's kind of that openness that I'm trying to help my listeners get it through this podcast. Kind of this idea of. Wearing our realities a little bit later. Than we otherwise would. And realizing that there are alternative ways of looking at things. I found the, the chapter when you take a walk with the geologist, really fascinating, because for so many of us.  Buildings in the urban environment are sort of filled with these giant inanimate objects. And this geologist was able to see. The history and the organic. Nature of the materials that went in to building those things.

And I found it really helpful in encouraging me to sort of practice.  Trying to take the blinders off and trying to understand that the world can be seen in all of these different kinds of ways. And.  I'm wondering if you still find yourself exercising, this. Practice of looking at the world through others' eyes.

AH: Well, thanks for those thoughts. It was very much a project that had a beginning and end for me, but it's definitely stepped into my way of being. I think I'm difficult to take a walk with now I just wanna, like, observe things, right. That there's no, it's, it's hard for me to turn that off, which is not to say that I don't ever get anywhere, but I. But I ha I can turn it on whenever I want. And I do. I haven't gone for as many dedicated walks with people for this purpose. But once in a while, for instance, when somebody I met read my book and had, I guess, had some interest in, in Bricks.

He lives in Chicago and he.  Already was, you know, kind of just sort of flirting with being,  like learning more about the bricks around Chicago, which has had so ma such an interesting and rich history of building with, with brick material. And he then just  did a deep dive into it and became a specialist essentially in all the types of bricks sort of historically in terms of their composition, how they're used, the patternings of bricks.

And when he was visiting New York, we walked and he showed me what he could see,  now what he had then essentially learned about all the brick work and that a anew opened my eyes to places I had been before and never really looked 'cause bricks, right?

Like, that's obvious, but no, you know, it's multifaceted and varied and I was. Very appreciative of that. So once in a while I get to meet someone who I can go on one of those directed walks with. Although I think you could do it anytime, you know, with anybody as you  could get them talking about the thing that they see, everybody does have this different way of looking, but some people might not be even aware that it's different than others. Or they're just not sure how to articulate what they see.   But I'm certain that in there is a different way of looking at that block or the scene in front of you that you seem to both share. And it's always delightful to try to get that out of people. 

CB: And do you feel like that has changed you in any way?

AH: It definitely has made me more empathetic, I think,  because it is just that. Recognition of others' perspectives  the idea that someone else just has a different way of seeing. 

CB: There was one other line that I flagged in the book. That was actually the last paragraph. And I think it talks a lot of what you'd been talking about and what I'm trying to talk about. On this podcast you wrote,  "Our culture fosters inattention.  We are all creatures of that culture.  But by making your way through this book, by merely picking it up.  Perhaps you, reader. are in a new culture, one that values looking."

And that's just a hugely powerful revelation to people that you can create a new culture and new reality. Just by sort of opening your eyes and looking around. And realizing that there isn't a single reality.  And also realizing that anyone who's pitching a single reality. Probably has some kind of ulterior motive in mind. 

And it gets back to that idea of just wearing our reality a little bit more lightly and being a little bit more flexible. In how you might see things. It's a fascinating way to learn, to see the world. And. I think you've done a wonderful job in explaining how to do that in this book.

AH: Well said, thanks.

CB: And just one last thing before I let you go, since you are an author, I thought maybe we should try to sell some books. And I figure if we can do that.  Through small, independent retailers then all the better. So I just want to ask if you might have a favorite local bookstore, you want to give a shout out to.

AH: I do. There's a bookstore near me in New York City called  Book Culture, which is lovely.  New books, used books and just a smart assortment.  I highly recommend it.

CB: Well,  thank you. I will definitely put a link to their website in the show notes.  Alexandra Horowitz. Thank you so much for helping us see the world differently.

AH: Thanks, Craig. I, appreciate it. I was glad to have this conversation.

So after talking with Professor Horowitz, I really wanted to figure out how to bring this back to ungaslighting in a practical way.  Obviously, the more information you can take in by looking at the world through the eyes of others. The better you'll be at filling in those mental gaps. I talked about at the opening, the show where gas lighters can lurk.  So part of your homework this week. Is to try and consciously focus on your surroundings. And your world as you move through it. I've been a meditator for many years and I found it tremendously helpful in allowing me to control my own mind. But there was one type of meditation that I really love.

And it's less about controlling your own wandering mind than it is about allowing you to really be in an environment that you're wandering through.  In this type of meditation, you start off, just walking around and paying attention to everything you can hear.  Just listening and consciously noting the sounds around you.  It helps if you're in a relatively quiet place, so you're not overwhelmed.

So maybe if you live in a city or on a busy street, You can do this later at night when it's not so cacophonous.  But then after that, I want to encourage you to take this looking one step further. Beyond just observing the things we usually don't see. And including the things we can't see.  Specifically, this is for when you're dealing with other people.  Now, this is a follow-up to last week when we were talking about assholes. So when you encounter people who are behaving badly, Rather than thinking the worst about these people and labeling them. A total asshole for this one negative interaction you've had.  I want you to try and meet their ass, hold them with compassion. 

I was reminded of this while listening to an incredible graduation speech given by David Foster Wallace at Kenyon College in 2005. I just want to play this one, clip that.  Perfectly expresses what I'm talking about.  He's discussing. The default setting. On which we all go through life. Where the world revolves around us and our needs and how annoying it is when people get in your way on the road or at the checkout line at the supermarket.  And how most importantly, you have the power of recognizing your own default setting. And taking a different perspective.

If you're aware enough to give yourself a choice, you can choose to look differently at this fat, dead eyed, over made up lady who just screamed at her kid in the checkout line.  Maybe she's not usually like this. Maybe she's been up three straight nights holding the hand of her husband who's dying of bone cancer.

Or maybe this very lady is the low wage clerk at the Motor Vehicles Department who just yesterday helped your spouse resolve a horrific, infuriating red tape problem through some small act of bureaucratic kindness.  Of course, none of this is likely, but it's also not impossible.  It just depends what you want to consider. 

 So I hope everybody. We'll take the opportunity this week to consider things in ways that are outside of our normal self-centered default setting. 

Well, that's it for this week. Thanks so much for listening. Please share this podcast with anyone you think might find it. Interesting. And leave a review if you feel so inclined.  Until next week. Be kind to yourself. Cut each other, some slack and as always, please use your damn turn signal.